Wow, has it really been a month…
…since I last wrote here?
It honestly hasn’t felt like it. I’ll be honest, it’s not like I completely forgot about the blog. Well, I do sort of forget about it during the week with all the medical school stuff going on (it really feels like a full time job, and that actually sort of doesn’t sit well with me to be honest). I do usually remember it on Fridays, and try to remind myself to write an end of the week reflection at the very least, but then I just make up an excuse or forget. Sometimes I’m just so ridiculously lazy. To make up for that, I hope to write a super long post today and be particularly candid about my thoughts (within reason obviously).
My First Exam
In my defense, one of the key reasons I’ve been sort of occupied is that I had been studying for my first exam which I took this past Monday. The two main topics of the exam were Respirology and Cardiology, followed by a few questions on Pharmacology and muscle biochemistry. I did really well in Respirology, but I did not so well in Cardiology/biochemistry – in fact I barely passed that latter section (gosh, I hope I passed. I got 71%, and you need a 70% to pass – so if I misbubbled a single question, I’m screwed!). I’m not completely screwed of course – I would just need to do remedial work, but that’s a pain, not to mention a blow to my ego.
Overall I got 81% on the exam, which is okay I guess, but it’s always a crappy feeling when all your friends got over 90%. I mean, it’s really hard to whine when my mark is a function of my effort and performance. I forgot some information, I had some really poor lapses in judgment, and my common sense was pretty terrible on the exam. So, no, I’m not surprised with the mark I got, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t preventable. It just feels kind of embarrassing when you’re standing around, enjoying a beer with some friends, and someone goes “that exam was pretty easy, I’d guess the average was probably ~90%”. Ouch.
All that being said, it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Since UofT’s medical school now has a pass/fail marking system, a 71 is as good as 100. I guess it really is just an ego thing, partially a social thing, but more so a personal disappointment thing – I think it’s human nature to wallow in self-pity whenever you don’t do as well as you think you can.
Of course, you could argue this is just how I’m rationalizing it. Instead of considering the possibility that I’m just dumber or inherently worse at school than my peers, I choose to argue that I could have done better if I tried harder. Well, of course I consider the possibility, but like anyone else, I’d like to believe that’s not the case – I have an ego just like every other human being. Everyone wants to believe they’re as smart as everyone else. That being said, I guess I can be somewhat happy that I can at least acknowledge the other possibilities.
And I’m okay writing how I feel about this, and being open and honest, because I think that will encourage other people to be honest. It’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes – it seems like vulnerability is stigmatized, especially in today’s world where everyone wants to look strong.
I mean, Tiger Woods is one of the most mentally strong individuals in all of sports. Do you really think he never goes to bed thinking “man, I am the worst golfer in the world, I can’t believe I played so awful today”? Of course he does! Everyone does. You do it, I do it, we all do it, whether we are willing to admit it or not.
Taking Control of my Education
Anyways, the gist of it is that unless I really want to prioritize my ego, marks don’t really matter (as long as I pass). So I’ve come to the realization that, if my marks don’t matter, why let that control my life (and specifically, my overall education)? I feel like I’d rather expend my energy doing things more productive or fun than studying more than I really need to.
So in terms of my medical education, for me that means spending more time exploring various specialties and trying to get a better grasp on what I’d like to be doing in the long term. While things could of course change, at this point in time, I’m not interested in any of the surgical specialties. I’m just not interested in working with my hands for hours on end, and the lifestyle (i.e. longer hours) just don’t suited the type of life I want. So that leaves medicine (this might be confusing, but apparently, medicine just often means anything non-surgical). Right now internal medicine and neurology are at the top of my interest list, but I’m leaning back towards neurology (after sort of writing it off earlier this semester for reasons I don’t really want to mention now).
I’ve found some neurologists whose work really interests me, so I’m going to try and connect with them in the next week, maybe set up some observerships and possibly get involved in some side research work so I feel like I’m actually being productive. An interest in neurology (and its associated disorders and illnesses) is what got me into medicine in the first place, and if I’m being completely honest, nothing else has excited my yet. I figure this is the right place to start.
Wait, so Am I a Leader or Not?
As part of our U of T Medical School curriculum, we tackle more than areas like anatomy, physiology, histology, embryology, etc. I have already mentioned that we look at Determinants of Community Health and the Arts and Science of Clinical Medicine.
What I haven’t mentioned yet is that we also explore other perhaps less obvious aspects of medicine, and one that we will visit several times a year over the next four years is the theme of management. As part of exploring the concept of physicians as managers, we spent one afternoon a few weeks ago learning about different leadership styles. A particularly interesting concept came up recently that I think would be good to share, especially since I think growing up, students have such a huge misconception about it.
One question that was brought up (and one that I think many individuals think about) goes something like:
We say being leaders is a good thing, but if everyone in a group is a leader, won’t the group be dysfunctional? Don’t we need some people to be followers?
I think the first thing that needs to be addressed is the concept of being a leader. Especially in today’s school and work settings, we are bombarded with the idea that we need to become leaders. Leaders are important of course, and we often praise leaders in the media. However, it’s important to keep in mind that leaders are individuals who lead in a specific setting – that is, leaders exist only in the context of the activity they are leading.
For example, when we say Barack Obama is a leader, what we’re really saying is that he is the “leader” of the United States of America. Put him in another context, say the local pick up basketball team he plays with (I’m just making this up as an example), and he may certainly not be a leader. Of course his leadership skills are always there should he need to rely on them, but it would be wrong to say he is a leader in the absolute sense – because he isn’t.
What we’re really trying to do in today’s world is cultivate leadership skills in young people, so that they may be leaders of tomorrow, but in a variety of contexts and not necessarily in everything that they do. So while you may end up with a group full of individuals with strong leadership skills, not all of them will end up being the identified leader of the group. Most commonly, the individual with the skill set and background most relevant to the group will end up being the leader. For instance, if a group regarding promoting science to young people formed, I am more likely to be the leader, whereas if a golf club was forming, I most definitely would not try to be the leader because I would just be wasting everyone’s time.
Furthermore, it’s important to realize that an important aspect of being a good leader is recognizing strengths/weaknesses of your teammates, as well as knowing when to lead and when to follow. It’s a mistake to think a good leader is always in the leadership role. A good leader recognizes achieving the goals of the group is most important, and that can sometimes be best done when someone else is in charge.
Contrary to intuition, dysfunctionality within a group full of strong minded individuals is actually a sign of poor leadership skills because good leaders would have come to a peaceful consensus on who is most adept to lead the group. Anyways I think that’s sort of a cool concept that we tend to misunderstand, and I hope some people find that helpful, especially if you’re struggling within a group setting.
Real Patient Contact
As I mentioned before, I had been practicing interview sills on standardized patients (i.e. actors). Two weeks ago, I began practicing my interview skills on actual patients. Without a doubt, real patients are more difficult for a variety of reasons (one obvious one being that you can’t “time out” and ask your tutor for advice!). Whereas standardized patients will answer your questions directly, real patients can sometimes be all over the place, and it’s up to you to try and keep the interview focused. That being said, there is something rewarding about working with real patients, I guess for the very reason that it’s actually real.
I also finally got my stethoscope, blood pressure cuffs, and other pieces of equipment. I think we’re going to start learning to use those soon, and I think that starts with real patients this Friday, so that should be cool.
Coming Up…
I have my first Anatomy exam coming up (bellringers…), so I think my writing here will be sporadic again (but hopefully not, we’ll see). I have a lot to learn – here’s to hoping I can pull off a pass again.
Sorry to everyone who wrote a comment or sent me an email in the past month – I am way behind on those things, I apologize. I will try to get back to everyone soon, but I really don’t know.
Hope everyone is doing well!
Related Posts:
- Medical School Week 2 Reflection
- Clarification of My Last Post
- I Think I Failed but Maybe it was Exactly What I Needed
- Roller Coaster of a Day
- So I had my clinical skills exam today…
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Comments
ooo, your first stethoscope – how exciting! have you chased around any friends/family yet to try it out?
Hey, I wanted to ask you something that is not really related to this post. In your earlier entries, you have mentioned the reasons you picked york. one of them was the research opportunities. Could you please elaborate a little more? Because I asked the york representative at the university fair and she said first year students are not allowed to do any research. I dont get it. Did I misunderstand her or something? Also what kind of research did you get to do? and how did you get that opportunity?
Finally. congratulation on getting through your first exam and getting a stethoscope. That just sounds exciting. Your blog makes me more and more hopeful every time.
O man your feelings towards your first exams in med school are the same as mine towards my first university exams. Especially for my chemistry tests! I felt like I could have done better if I had studied more etc but at the end of the day the mark i get is the mark i get, but each marks seems so important for med school admissions it’s sorta scary! GL on your bellringers!
I’m in med school too, goodluck with your anatomy test. I had mine on monday it wasn’t that bad, got a B. Needed 6.5% more to get an A, so I did resonably well on my first anatomy test. Now got to prepare for histology, biochemistry and embryology.
Sonja: Ya it’s pass fail now. 70% is a pass, but I heard last year it was 60% pass (but 80%+ would give you an Honours). So I’m not sure I prefer the new change lol.
Nadia: Too exhausted to I guess lol. I need to start practicing more soon though…. exam for physical exam and patient interview stuff coming up in December.
Esaba: It’s not that first year students can’t do research – as long as you have a professor willing to take you on, it doesn’t matter what year you’re in. I think the issue the York representative was referring to was that you can’t get a NSERC USRA (summer research scholarship) as a 1st year student.
Jeff: Thanks! I guess we’ll be okay as long as we just pick up the pace =)
Dellon: I hope I get a B on my Anatomy exam 
Best of luck to you!
Wow, that’s interesting!
If you do get under 70%, what happens? Or like something unimaginative (50%??)
And you talked about observerships and side research work – what is it, and how do you get involved in it?
I’m glad I found your blog!
MedHopeful @ Premed101
Ah, med school sounds tough. Pass/fail system seems like a good idea as it encourages group study and helping each other out. Not like the horrid bell curve thing we have in university
Management? Wow, I never thought you guys would be taught those things! Good luck with the exam and real patient contact. Thanks for keeping us updated despite the busy-ness 