Many people would agree that an essence of being human is our need to form meaningful relationships with others. We are born into a close knit group known as a family, consisting of very strong relationships of many types. Spouses depend on each other for love and support, and sometimes, to work collaboratively as parents in raising children. Often similar in age and growing up in the same conditions, siblings form a very strong bond and sense of understanding that they can’t share with anyone else.

When we leave the family for a second and enter the rest of the world, we form many new relationship types. Doctor and patient. Teacher and student. Coach and player. With these new relationships come new roles, experiences, and types of understanding.

One of the most important, and seemingly necessary, type of relationship between human beings is friendship. But what is the purpose of friendship and what is necessary for genuine friendships to form?

Common Interest Theory

We form meaningful friendships with people we get along with; but more than that, we genuinely want to be around our friends. We enjoy their company and we enjoy sharing experiences with them. This enjoyment of company must be a two-way street for true friendships (i.e. if you have fun chatting with someone but that person actually doesn’t enjoy being around you, it’s not really a genuine friendship).

In order for this to happen, it makes sense that friends must share common interests. When you ask a friend to go see a basketball game with you, would you ask someone who absolutely hates basketball? No, you ask a friend who loves it as much as you do, because it’s something you would both enjoy doing together.

If you wanted to chat with someone about politics, would you pick up your phone and dial the number of a person who doesn’t follow politics whatsoever? I would think not, as the conversation would not really be meaningful for either of you. You wouldn’t gain any insight or perspective from that person’s comments, and he might be bored out of his mind.

That being said, this doesn’t mean that every single friend of yours has the exact same interests as you – only a clone of yourself would have the exact same interests. But I think it is necessary for any genuine friend you have to have at least one serious interest in common with you.

If you and another person have absolutely no common interests, then it impossible for you to form a meaningful friendship because you will have nothing to talk about and no enjoyable experiences to share.

When I think of every single friend I have, I can immediately name at least one thing that we are both highly interested in. When I think of acquaintances, I realize these are people that I don’t necessarily dislike, but often people who I just don’t share any strong interests with.

More Common Interests = Stronger Friendship

It should then follow that you will form stronger friendships with people who you have more in common with. Why? Simply put, if you have more common interests with someone, you have more things to talk about (and thus often longer and deeper conversations) and more experiences you would enjoy sharing together. This means more enjoyable time spent together, and voila, eventually a much stronger bond and friendship.

I mean, take a second think about who you consider your “closest” and “best” friends. Think about the variety of things you talk about, and the variety of activities you do together.

Have you ever met that one person who you have absolutely no problem with, but often end up in awkward silence with? I have this friend who is a really nice and great person, but we end up talking about school stuff every time because we have very little in common. And after a while, there is only so much you can say about the same topic! No matter how much I try, I really don’t think we could ever form a really strong friendship unless I magically discover some intense common interest I never noticed before.

Okay, I’m sure for many of you, this whole common interest mumbo jumbo is pretty much common sense or something you’ve heard before. But the other day I started thinking more about why we form friendships, and I’m starting to think that we form friendships out of an inherent need to share our interests with someone else..

We Desire to Have All of Our Interests Shared with Someone Else

What I’m saying is that human beings naturally desire friends to share our many interests with others – that, if there is ever an interest of ours that we can’t share with someone else, it’s almost as if there is a void in our life. Whether consciously or subconsciously, I think we are always hoping to meet other people to fill these voids in our lives.

When I was in high school, none of my really good friends were interested in sports as much as I was, and particularly in basketball. I follow professional basketball more than any sport right now, and throughout high school, I remember thinking several times about how I wished my friends followed the NBA so I could talk to them about it. A big trade would happen, and I’d get pretty excited about it, but then there would be no one close by to talk to about it!

When I got to university, for some strange reason, a lot of my new friends were more into sports and some even follow basketball more than I do. In fact, last month, we started our own NBA Fantasy League – something I would never have imagined doing in high school. I can definitely say that I feel as if these new friendships fill a void that once existed in my life.

So sometimes you are going to meet people who you just can’t form friendships with no matter how much you try. And that’s okay, it’s no real knock on either of you. In a certain way, you really can’t pick your true friends.